


Making Circles

by saucyminx



Series: The House Rules [10]
Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-25
Updated: 2011-06-25
Packaged: 2017-10-28 12:48:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/308034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucyminx/pseuds/saucyminx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A novel length story of a struggling country singer and the young man who tries to change his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Making Circles

It had become clear pretty fast to Chad that there was no way he’d be able to get a flight in his current condition, tears streaming down his cheeks, body shaking with hurt. So he’d gotten himself a room for the night and he didn’t sleep. Instead he stared up at the ceiling, replaying Christian’s words over and over in his mind. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen Christian drunk but it was the first time he’d been flat out cruel, and the longer he thought about it, the more hollow he felt.

He felt Christian owed him an explanation. Time after time Chad had forgiven Christian, taken him back. _Hell_ , he’d risked his job just to fly out and help Christian get back on his feet. No matter what Christian suggested, Chad had been holding them up, he’d worked with every ounce of his energy to keep them together, and now it felt as if Christian didn’t even want that. Chad wasn’t sure how to live without the man, and he couldn’t believe that Christian had meant the horrible things he’d said.

It was only eight in the morning when he finally lost patience. He grabbed his bag and headed back through the hotel, relieved that he still had a key card to the man’s room tucked in his pocket. He knew Christian was likely going to have one hell of a hangover, and maybe he wouldn’t even remember what he’d said, but Chad was more than willing to fill in the pieces. There had to be _something_ to help them, to make this work. Maybe Christian could even check in somewhere, clean himself up or something.

Outside Christian’s room he paused, sucking in a slow breath to calm his racing nerves. It was quiet on the other side of the door, Christian was likely still passed out, but Chad couldn’t wait any longer. His heart was aching, hopefully Christian could fix it.

Slipping the card into the reader, Chad turned the handle and stepped inside, eyes on the ground as he dropped his bag along the wall and headed down the short hallway. His steps drew to a quick stop, eyes growing wide as they landed on the bed. Christian was curled on his side, dark locks strewn haphazardly across the white pillow.

Steve was curled around his back, arm tucked around his middle, lips pressed to the man’s shoulder.

The blanket was slung low over their bodies, exposing just the top of Christian’s bare hip, Steve’s hand flattened beneath Christian’s belly button. Shock was slamming so hard into Chad he couldn’t breathe, his body swaying in place as he tried to keep from blacking out right then and there.

“What the fuck,” he whispered, the words coming out strangled and pained. He couldn’t tear his eyes away, the image burned into his retinas. As he stumbled to the side his hand bumped into a bottle and instinct had him grabbing it. Before Chad could even think he was chucking the bottle at the wall, causing it to shatter with a loud crash and the bodies on the bed jerked almost at the same time. “What. The. _Fuck_.” He spat the words this time, panting heavy and thick with pain.

Christian's body and mind hung on tight to unconsciousness even as he jumped at the sudden sharp sound in the room. Pushing up he rubbed at his eyes as a hand slid off his hip. _Chad_. Shaking his head, he shoved his hair back and tried to shake off the hangover fog - hell - he was still probably drunk. _A fight_. It had been a really bad fight. But Chad had come back.

Squinting in the bright light streaming in the window, Christian's eyes picked up a blurry image at the foot of the bed. "Chad?" His mind was struggling to put everything together; the warm hand, the soft body. _Too_ soft. Turning slowly Christian turned to see Steve lying beside him. "Steve?"

“What the hell is - how could - Jesus _Christ_.” Chad’s body was shaking, his hand shoving hard up into his hair and gripping tightly, the second joining it a moment later as if he could literally tear the blonde locks out. “How could you do this? How could you _do_ this?” Chad could feel the sharp burn of tears which pissed him off as he thought about Christian’s words from last night.

"Oh Chad, calm down," Steve muttered. "It's too early for yelling."

Christian's eyes widened and he looked away from the smirk on Steve's face. He couldn't even process his band-mate’s words. "Chad? Chad. I would never -" But he obviously _had_ done something. Christian had _never_ found Steve the slightest bit attractive and he squeezed his eyes shut against the anger on Chad's face - the _hurt_.

Shaking his head Christian could feel bile rising in his throat. "No, No. Chad this isn't what you think."

Steve laughed and Christian simply turned and stared at him. "Fuck you, Steve."

“Were you just waiting for this?” Chad turned his gaze to Steve who looked nothing but amused by the entire thing. “Or has this been going on the whole time? Is this what happens when you’re drunk? You turn to Steve?” Chad’s gaze swept over to Christian, his steps stumbling back. “After everything you said last night, all those horrible _things_ , and then this? _This_?” Chad still couldn’t really wrap his mind around the whole idea of Christian and _Steve_ of all people.

Christian was still shaking his head. "We've never done this before, Chad. I don't - I can't - what the fuck is going on? No. Chad. Just listen to me, I'm so sorry about last night - those things I said - I mean you know I love you and I didn't mean it." The hurtful things that Christian has said were nipping at the edges of his memory, the way Chad had looked so hurt - the tears that so often stained Chad's cheeks.

His hands moved to the sheet and he just gathered it in his lap when he realized he was naked. "Jesus Christ, please listen to me, Chad."

As Christian pulled the sheet Chad got a rather unpleasant full view of Steve’s ass and the man rolled, climbing off the bed and strolling to the bathroom as if being naked in front of Chad didn’t bother him in the slightest. Chad watched him go in that lingering shock, listening to the bathroom door close before slowly turning back to Christian.

“Christian,” Chad whispered, taking another step back and finally letting his hands drop to his sides. “How am I ever supposed to believe you? How could you hurt me like this? I- god, I thought you loved me. I thought...” Chad’s shoulder bumped into the wall, his knees dipping until he worried they’d give out. “Tell me what you did with him. Just say it. You at least owe me that.”

"Chad, no. Don't do this. I _love_ you." Christian's hands were fists on the quilt, his knuckles white with the strain. "I Chad, I fuckin' swear to you, I don't know what happened. I don't remember - I know how we fought. I think. I don't remember - Steve came in... I don't know. We were drinkin' -" He held out his hand. "Chad? Please, come sit and we'll talk."

“Sit? Fucking _sit_ ,” Chad spat, the word strangled through a harsh, bitter laugh. His hand shook toward the bed. “On that bed? Where something _clearly_ happened considering you’re both _naked_. Where you’re still fucking naked and trying to tell me nothing happened. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you’d do this to me. And with fucking _Steve_. Was it just some joke to get me here? All part of some plan, just so you could see my poor pathetic, woe-is-me tears?” Chad had no problem throwing the words from last night back at Christian, those same angry tears burning down his cheeks.

“I gotta - I gotta get out of here. I can’t do this. I can’t handle this.” Chad half turned, ready to go, his hand shooting out when it seemed like Christian might stand. “Don’t fucking follow me Christian. I can’t even look at you right now.”

Christian could feel tears welling in his eyes. Everything in his mind was a jumble of words and thoughts and feelings - he knew that they had fought but Steve? He would never have done anything with Steve. The moment that Chad had left that evening Christian had starting hoping he would come back. "Chad. No. I didn't do - I don't know what happened. I would _never_ do this to you. I promised. I promised you."

He shifted closer to the end of the bed, hand outstretched again. If Chad would _just_ touch him, take his hand. “Please, don’t leave. I need you. I love you, Chad. This is all a big mistake.”

“You don’t remember what happened. You can’t tell me, without a doubt, that you did nothing with him. You probably don’t even remember what you said to me. Those things hurt, Christian. This? This just broke my fucking heart. How can I trust you?” Chad kept his back to Christian but he could still see his image out of the corner of his eye. For maybe the first time in their entire relationship, Chad had no desire to cross the room and fall against Christian. This wasn’t something he could just look past, this was an image he would never get out of his mind.

“I have to go, I can’t - I have to. I- I’ll see you...” Chad couldn’t finish, had no idea when he’d see Christian again, and he shook his head before forcing himself forward. He couldn’t hear anymore, couldn’t _take_ anymore, and he snatched his bag from the floor before tugging the door open and walking quickly out.

Christian had no idea how much time passed from the time the door shut quietly behind Chad. Yeah. Chad didn't even slam the door. He was hurt, pissed off, and he just walked slowly away like it was the hardest thing he'd ever done. Christian's heart was pounding, grief and anger wrestling for control of his emotions.

He had no idea what had happened. It was like he'd been woken up and shoved into the climax of a movie then ripped out of the theatre before he got all the answers.

When he heard the door to the bathroom open, his eyes moved over automatically. For a fraction of a heartbeat he thought - _Chad_. And Steve appeared, padding across the room to pick up jeans and tug them on.

"Steve? What the fuck is going on?" Christian hadn't intended to sound as unsure as he did.

Steve shrugged his shoulders and reached down to pick up Christian’s jeans off the floor. He tossed them at the foot of the bed and headed over to the chair to pick up his shirt.

“Steve!” Christian flipped the covers back and snatched his jeans off the bed. Yanking them on as fast as he could he walked over to Steve and grabbed his shoulder, spinning him. “Tell me _what_ the _fuck_ happened? There’s no way I would - I don’t even -”

“What? Don’t _like me that way_?” There was a nasty smirk on Steve’s face and he rolled his shoulders.

“No,” Christian said quietly. He knew that he didn’t feel any attraction to Steve and no matter how crazy everything seemed that morning he also knew that he wouldn’t cheat on Chad. Not again, not after everything they’d been through. “No,” he said more firmly.

“You’re pathetic, you know that?” Steve smoothed his t-shirt down and leaned forward to push at Christian’s shoulder. “You had it all. You had a great guy like me, just hangin’ around and you weren’t interested. You wanted some stupid, fuckin’ little idiot like Chad -”

Christian’s fist connected hard with Steve’s jaw sending him over the arm of the chair behind him and crumpling to the floor.

Shaking his head, Steve moved his jaw from side to side them dabbed at his lip with his fingers.

“We didn’t do a fucking thing, did we?” Christian was panting, _fear_ finally breaking through everything else as he thought of Chad’s face. “You set this up. You knew how bad things were for me, how I acted every night and you set this up. You didn’t call him because you were being all noble and a great friend.”

Steve laughed and hauled himself up off the floor. “You deserve what you get Christian. You’ve done nothin’ but fuck up people’s lives - all along. Do I need to remind you about the life you ended as well?”

Christian stepped back quickly almost as though he’d been punched himself. He stared at Steve for a few moments then turned to pick up a shirt off the floor. He needed to get to Chad. “You were never my friend.”

More laughter from Steve set Christian’s teeth on edge and he pulled the shirt down over his head, wiping the tears from his cheeks as he did.

“Christian. You’ve broken Chad’s heart. It’s over, bro. He’d not gonna take you back now that he thinks you slept with me. You think I don’t know how to strike and make it count?” Steve was gingerly touching his jaw when Christian turned back to look at him.

“I knew it. I knew I wouldn’t do anything with you. You know, Steve? You’re nothing but an asshole, a bitter asshole with nothing. You know that? You’re worse off than me ‘cause at least I _know_ that I’m a fuck up.” Christian spun on his heels and headed out the door.

He spent a pointless half an hour searching the hallways, the lobby; Chad had been in a room but had left his key. Quick check out. Standing in the lobby, staring at the revolving door Christian knew things were damaged - he just hoped they were irreparable.

 

  
Arriving home was painful in a way Chad hadn’t expected. At the airport waiting for his flight home he’d called Jared, unable to explain what happened but asking for a ride home. Jared had been waiting, looking concerned and even more so when he Chad stepped up to him. He gave Chad a hard, long hug before guiding him out of the airport. In the car on the way home he’d stayed silent, still trying to absorb what he’d walked in on, what had transpired in the last twelve hours.

Chad knew Jared had followed him in but the made stayed silent as Chad paced slowly around the living room. He picked a picture of his parents off the shelf, setting it on top of his laptop on the coffee table. Jared sat on the couch as Chad flicked through the movies, slowly pulling his own out of the collection. He could very distinctly remember when he’d moved in, how Christian had laughed at him when Chad got all excited about their movies _living_ together.

It wasn’t until Chad sucked in a painful sob while touching the edge of a framed picture of him and Christian that Jared spoke up.

“Chad? What happened? What are you doing?” Jared sounded almost as pained as Chad felt, and also like he already knew exactly what was going on.

“We got in a fight, last night. Christian was drunk and he said... god Jared, the things he said.” Chad’s fingers ran down the glass over Christian’s face, his eyes wide and watering. “I left, was gonna go home but it was late and I got a room and this morning- _fuck_ , this morning. I thought maybe he’d apologize, we’d make up, things would be better but him and Steve... him and Steve.”

“Him and Ste... oh fuck. No, no way Chad. Christian wouldn’t do that.” Jared winced when Chad’s eyes shot up to him. “Not again. He wouldn’t do that to you again. And especially not with Steve, he knows how you two... just, come on.”

“They were naked Jared, Steve was up against him. It - I can still see it when I close my eyes.” Chad pulled his glasses off and rubbed at his eyes, as if that could make the image go away. It didn’t. “He doesn’t remember, he couldn’t even tell me for sure that nothing happened. How can I believe him? With... what I saw. And the things he said. _Fuck_ I feel like everything in me is breaking.”

Jared was there in the next moment, wrapping arms tight around Chad and pulling him close. “God Chad, I’m so sorry. I... maybe there’s an explanation? Maybe, I don’t know, you guys will talk. He’ll explain, he’ll make things better, you guys can be okay.”

“No Jared, I don’t think so. Not anymore.” Chad stepped back and looked up at his friend. He’d had more than a few hours to think now and even though he missed Christian desperately, even though some part of him wanted just to crawl into the man’s arms and tell him to make this all better, he knew that things had reached their breaking point. “You should have seen him last night. I think... it’s the first time I was actually _scared_ of it. Scared of the things he was saying and the way he was treating me. I don’t think I can do it anymore.”

Jared’s eyes were sad but the way he nodded told Chad he knew this was coming. It hurt to know his friend had just been expecting this. “You know, I’ve been watching you two for months, been listening to you both talk and... maybe it’s for the best? I know you do everything you can for him, and I know he loves you so much, but, I kind of think you two are killing each other.”

Frowning, Chad stepped back, sliding his glasses back on. “I think that’s a little extreme. I wouldn’t say we were killing each other...”

“Look,” Jared sighed and ran his hand through his hair, shoulders lifting in half a shrug. “Christian’s drinking problem is bad. Probably worse than you’ve told me. And judging from what you’ve said about the tour, this is kind of his breaking point, he’s going to need some serious help to recover now, if he even wants that. You can’t fix him anymore Chad; it’s draining you even if you don’t see it. I know you want to be that for him, but you can’t tell me you don’t feel the weight of that.”

Chad did feel it; he had felt it for some time. He would do absolutely anything for Christian but there had to be a point when it simply became too much. Chad felt hollow, empty, thinking that this was that time. How could he really go on without Christian? Would he really ever be able to love anyone again?

“I don’t want to be without him,” Chad whispered, his voice catching on the words. In the next moment he was stepping forward, arms wrapping tight as he buried his head in Jared’s neck. His knees were going to give out, a harsh sob tore from him and he clung to Jared, fear and panic and _agony_ burning through him. “I can’t do this Jared. I _can’t_ be without him. How do I move on? How do I let him go?”

“Jesus, Chad,” Jared gasped, clutching Chad just as tight.

Chad wasn’t sure how long he sobbed against Jared, just that at some point the man moved him over to the couch, gently stroking a hand through his hair, down his back, until the tears stopped coming. When Chad sat back he simply felt numb, his eyes tired and itchy, every inch of him aching. Everywhere he looked he saw Christian, memory after memory stacking up in his mind and tearing through him.

A while later Jared squeezed his hand, shifting on the couch. “Chad? I have a meeting I have to get to, I’m sorry. But I’ll come back later okay? I... do you want me to bring some boxes?”

“Where will I go?” Chad asked quietly, staring at his stack of movies on the coffee table. “What do I do now?”

“Jensen and I have an extra room, stay with us until you find a place okay? Jensen and I will come back later with some boxes, we’ll help you get everything packed up.” Jared was soothing as usual, his hand squeezing Chad’s once more before he stood. “I’ll just be a couple hours okay? Just... you’ll be okay? I could cancel. I should stay.”

“Jared, go to your meeting. I... I think I need some time.” Chad gave Jared a brief, tight smile, and released his hand.

“Okay, call though, if something happens and you need me.” Jared leaned in to give him a quick hug before backing up once more. He hesitated, watching Chad and for a moment Chad thought he might change his mind and stay. At that moment, it wasn’t something Chad wanted. But with a final nod Jared turned and headed out of the apartment, the door click shut behind him.

All Chad wanted to do was curl up in bed and go to sleep, so maybe when he woke up this could just be some horrible nightmare. But he couldn’t imagine sleeping in their bed again, where he could so easily picture Christian’s form, hear the soft echo of his laugh, feel the gentle lingering pass of his lips. There wasn’t an inch of this apartment that didn’t make Chad think of the man and he suddenly, desperately, wanted to be anywhere else.

Pushing himself up off the couch, Chad forced himself down the hall, stopping to stare at their bedroom. Even though it had been weeks since Christian slept in their bed his presence was still evident everywhere. The book on the nightstand with the piece of paper sticking out holding its place. One of his vests hanging from the knob on the closet. Even a glass half full of water that Chad just hadn’t gotten around to emptying.

Forcing his legs into motion, Chad tugged open the closet and reached in, grabbing an armful of his clothes and pulling them quickly out, tossing them onto the bed. He rode the tidal wave of anger and tore each of his items onto the bed. He pulled dresser doors out and turned them upside down, watching everything pile out into a heap on the mattress. He hadn’t even lived here that long, not officially, but it felt like it had been his home for so long.

He was halfway through sorting his underwear from the ones Christian had left behind when he heard the front door open. He had no idea how long it had been but it certainly hadn’t felt like hours. Clutching a pair of Christian’s dark blue boxers - that Chad had purposefully stolen because he liked to wear them so much - Chad headed down the hall. “Jared? I told you not to skip your me-” The words caught in his throat, his eyes fixing on Christian standing there. He wasn’t quite sure he was ready for this. “Christian.”

Swallowing, Christian dropped his duffle bag against the door and set his guitar down. On the plane ride back Christian had thought of a thousand different way to talk to his boyfriend about what had happened and as soon as he saw the man's face all the words fled. "Chad. You... are you okay? I was worried. Got the first flight I could after - well, I got here as fast as I could."

“I.” Chad looked down at the boxers he was holding and sighed, reaching out to set them on the shelf and shifting slightly back. Honestly? He’d figured Christian would stay to finish the tour up. He hadn’t expected the man to follow him back. He was planning on having days to get himself together before this conversation. He couldn’t imagine what he looked like. “No. I’m not really okay. You just left? What about the last show?”

“I quit the band. I don’t care.” Christian stepped closer and stopped when he saw Chad flinch. “We need to talk. I ... I’m so sorry for the things I said. Can’t even remember all of it - I just get that way when I drink too much. It’s not an excuse, in fact, it’s about as far from it as I can get -”

“Christian? I really can’t do this right now. I didn’t sleep last night and I’m tired and I just feel, like every part of me is broken. I need - I’m just gonna go okay? We’ll talk later.” Chad could only look at Christian for so long before he had to look away, his body shaking with nerves and pain.

“Don’t go. Please.” Christian's voice broke and he cleared his throat. "Just let me. There are things I want you to know and then. And then I'm gonna leave. Landlord knows you live here so..." Looking down at the ground Christian sniffed and smiled sadly when he forced himself to look back up. "Will you please just hear me out?"

Tears pricked at Chad’s eyes and he blew out a low breath, staring at the wall, head slowly shaking. “You don’t get to be the one who leaves. I’ll hear you out and then I’m leaving because I’m tired of being the one left aching.” Chad turned his gaze to Christian, blinking through the tears. “I couldn’t stay here anyway. It... it hurts too much.”

Covering his mouth for a moment, Christian breathed in deeply through his nose and moved over to sit on the far end of the couch. He'd never seen anyone look as hurt as Chad did and it was taking every bit of strength he had not to walk over and pull the man into his arms. It hurt. It _fucking_ hurt more than anything Christian had ever felt in his entire life.

Without waiting for Chad to sit down, Christian leaned forward, resting his arms on his thighs and stared at the floor. "I remember most of what I said to you...when we fought and I was a complete and total asshole. I know that you won't believe me now -" Christian's voice wavered again and he took a few deep breaths before continuing.

"You have no reason to believe me but it's the truth. I have never felt you were the _weaker_ one of us, in fact, I think it's the opposite. You have so much courage and strength it's unbelievable. You're not afraid to feel things... and. That's something I've never been able to do." Finally struggling to look up Christian stared up at Chad. "Sit? Please?"

It took all of Chad to actually sit on the other side of the couch. He caught a strong whiff of Christian’s smell and his heart lurched, his fingers curling into fists. He had no idea how he would resist diving across the couch and falling into Christian’s arms. “Feeling things isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” Chad said through tears, voice tight. He laughed humorlessly and pulled his glasses off. “Actually it kind of really fucking sucks.”

Christian's jaw clenched tight and he looked down at his fingers as they twisted together. Blowing out a breath he tried to steady himself. "Listen, I'm not gonna drag this out. I know -" A soft sob caught in Christian's throat and he held up a trembling hand as he looked away.

When he finally managed to get control of himself Christian stared straight across the room and out the window. "I know you have no reason to believe a word that I say, but. Steve - after you left we fought again and he told me that he set the whole thing up. He knew I was in bad shape - and when he came to the room after you'd left he started giving me drinks. I remember that part." Christian rubbed his hands on his jeans and dropped his gaze to the coffee table. There were magazines and bills there and it seems so out-of-place because it looked so normal.

"Steve and I didn't do anything. I knew we hadn't - I never felt a thing for him like that. He admitted it. And he said that I... well -" Christian's voice wavered again and he glanced over at Chad. "Anyway, nothing happened. I kept that promise to you. And I needed you to know that. Okay?"

Some part of Chad had always known that Christian wouldn’t have done that, especially not with Steve. And maybe Chad had just needed this moment to finally push everything over the edge, to make him strong enough to be the one who left. Not that he had any real desire to. “Okay,” he said quietly, twisting his fingers together slowly and taking a deep breath. “I do believe you. I knew... it was just, seeing that. Well, yeah. I just do, believe you. Was... did you need to say anything else?”

Christian pressed his hand over his eyes and nodded as he tried not to break down. "I love you," he whispered.

A surprised sob caught in Chad’s chest and he moved across the couch, arms falling over the man’s shoulder. “I’m sorry Christian. I can’t do this anymore. God I love you, with everything I am I do. But I can’t keep - I can’t. I don’t know how I’m gonna make it without you but it’s just not working anymore.” Chad wasn’t sure the man could understand him through his sobs and he knew clinging to the man wasn’t helping things but he could only be so strong.

Christian was shaking as he managed to somehow get his arms around Chad. Just like always, his fingers slid up into his hair and he pressed his lips to the man's forehead. "I know," he murmured. "I'm so sorry."

Tears were streaming down Christian's face and his arms circled tighter around Chad, just holding him like somehow he could rewind everything to the point where it started to fall apart. Rocking back and forth slowly, he rubbed his hand on Chad's back until he seemed to be able to breathe properly again.

Kissing Chad softly on the temple, Christian closed his eyes and pulled back slightly. He tried to wipe the tears from Chad’s face and smiled sadly. “Is Jared coming back tonight to help you?”

Chad had no idea how Christian was able to speak at all. They’d always been different like that, Chad was so much more emotional, always the one to throw himself into whatever emotion. He wished he could be a little more like Christian now, composed enough to at least not look like a blubbering idiot. He forced himself to nod, dropping his hands in his lap then grabbing his glasses, rubbing them at the edge of his shirt.

“I don’t know how to be without you,” Chad admitted quietly, his voice tight and strangled sounding. He looked up sharply, barely making out Christian form through the blur of tears. “Not that - I don’t mean - Christian. I wish... I wish we.” Chad gave up trying to talk, turning his head away and using the heel of his hand to wipe at his cheeks. “I’m really gonna miss you.”

"I know," Christian said softly. "I'm gonna miss you. You'll ... you'll be okay. You'll -" Christian's voice broke again and he closed his eyes. Nothing had _ever_ hurt as much as knowing it was over. Chad was really leaving this time.

Christian slid both hands into his hair and held on for a few long moments. He wasn't even sure how he kept breathing because it hurt, it was like his body was trying to just die, give up, because it all hurt _too_ much. Dragging both hands down his face finally, Christian cleared his throat and wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "I'm gonna go. I got everything I need. Take what you want... take what time you need to get out. I won't be back."

Reaching into his back pocket Christian pulled out a thick envelope and slid it across the couch. "It's my money from the tour. For bills and stuff. Get you started somewhere else." When Chad didn't take it, he just left it there between them and rubbed at his face again.

Pushing up off the couch, Christian swayed slightly then reached out to brush his fingers over Chad's cheek. "You were the best thing in my life," he murmured. His voice was too thin, drawn and he felt like he was rooted to the spot.

Chad didn’t want to be the one left, didn’t want to watch Christian walk away but it wasn’t like he could ask the man to stay. He leaned into Christian’s touch, his body shaking as he struggled not to throw himself at Christian’s feet and tell him to just _stop this_. So much of him wanted to tell Christian no, he wouldn’t be okay, he’d never get over this man. Chad wasn’t even sure he would remember how to _breathe_ once he’d left.

It wasn’t until Christian reached the door that Chad was able to stand, his vision almost too blurred to make out the image of the man. “Where will you go?” he asked in that same tight, pained whisper. How did he resist the desire to cross the room and throw himself in Christian’s arms?

"I dunno." Christian picked up his duffel and the beat up guitar case. "You take care of yourself, okay? I hope you...well..." He shrugged, jaw muscles twitching as he fought back his tears. "Okay. Bye, Chad." With a last look across the room, Christian yanked the door open quickly and struggled to get through it as quickly as he could. It wasn’t until the door closed behind him that he really believed everything was over.

Chad was fairly certain there would never be a sight worse than the last time he watched Christian leave. It was like all the air had been sucked out of the room, like all those last little flares of hope and light and fucking _love_ were put out. The sob that fell from Chad had to be loud and possibly the worst sound he’d ever made.

His knees finally did give out, his body collapsing to the floor as he tried to wrap his mind over the truth. _It was over_. So many months, listening to Christian play, touching his always soft and warm skin, tucking hair behind his ear. The very idea of _never_ seeing Christian again made him want to just give up now.

No matter what Christian said, Chad thought he would never be the stronger of the two of them. Even if he had decided in the end that this had to be, if he’d made himself say it, Christian was the one strong enough to actually _go_. Chad couldn’t make himself get off the floor, couldn’t begin to process the idea of leaving this place, now that he knew Christian would never be in it again.

At some point Jared and Jensen returned.

Chad hadn’t moved off the floor, though it might have been hours since Christian left. It took days before Chad was able to tell them what happened and he didn’t leave the apartment. They had tried, urging him to pack up his things, but Chad couldn’t get past the feeling that someone had drained the life from him. He clutched to his phone, praying that Christian would change his mind, would come back and fight for him even though Chad had said it couldn’t happen any longer.

In the end, three weeks after Christian left, Chad went home to his parents. He promised Jared and Jensen that he’d be back, that he just needed some time, but he wasn’t entirely sure it was true. After all, how could he live somewhere that held so many memories? Somewhere that had him looking constantly over his shoulder. And even if Chad broke down all over again the first time he saw his room and thought about being there with Christian, at least there he didn’t have to face the fact that Christian wasn’t going to return.

Chad didn’t think he’d ever get over the man. And mostly, he wasn’t sure he wanted to. But, as people kept insisting, that was just the way life went sometimes.


End file.
